The Back-up Plan.
I can't believe that I didn't get a pedicure for this.
How embarrasing.
Look at that.
If I were with a real guy doing this I would have gotten a pedicure,
and a wax.
Oh shit, that ones worse!
- Sorry I didn't get a pedicure. - What?
Uh, my toes.
Sorry.
I'm not looking at your toes,
- I'm looking at your cervix. - Right.
Now I kinda wish you were looking at my toes.
- All done. - That's it?
We'll, uh, elevate your legs for 10 minutes and you'll be good to go.
This is the first I hear the ticking clock sound and I'm not freaking out.
Good. Just relax.
I can't, I'm totally freaking out!
Oh, come on, everything is gonna be great.
I have a feeling that you and, um, CRM-1014
are going to make beautiful babies together.
Thank you.
Oh God, I hope this works.
I wanted this for so long.
Maybe this isn't how I pictured it... exactly,
thought I would have a little more support.
No, you don't want kids! Trust me.
Well thats easy for you to say, you have four.
And it's awful.
They've ruined my life!
What?! No, go away!
Have you seen my vagina? I mean have you?
But I wouldn't show it to you, I will show it to you
just to prove you do not want to have kids.
I will show you, my vagina!
I don't want to see that, I wanna have a baby.
I just think you're tired of being alone,
you haven't met the right guy ...
It's not about a guy, this isn't about a guy
I've dated hundreds of guys over the past five years
not one of them is close to being the one.
It's just not happening for me.
Yeah, but that does not mean that it won't.
- Doesn't mean that it will. - Is that my chicken?!
What are you doing?!
That is your dinner, not a toy!
I hate them.
Do you smell pee?
So I had to figure it out on my own.
I examined every possibility
and arrived at the most logical conclusion.
Would you be my baby daddy?
What?!
No, I can't be the father, Are you out of your mind?!
What are you talking... No, no!
I'm in my sexual prime, alright!
I have countless more women to bed before I do something idiotic as having a baby.
Clyde, you're my friend.
Don't you want to help me?
I mean, we don't have to have sex.
You don't have to be involved at all.
Alright? Just... give me your sperm.
Oh, oh. Ok. Ok.
You're... you're feeling lonely, alright? Maybe a little... a little dead down there. I get it, I get it.
Long time since you had uh... you know...
- J..Just shut up! Ok! Just forget it! Forget the whole thing. - What?
Well that was a bust.
So I took life by the, uh... horns?
and I... I did what I had to do.
Yeah.
It's gonna be ok.
I have a plan.
- Woah, You don't have to walk like that! - Well, oh... ok.
Uh, by the way, I know a excellent support group
for single moms, if you're interested.
Great! Great.
Maybe we should hug? We might have just made a baby together.
- Good luck. - Okay. Alright.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Hi! - Get away from me!
Taxi!
Excuse me,
this is my cab.
- What, you own it? - No, but I'm about to rent it.
If you see someone hail a cab and a cab pulls up
you can't just jump in the cab and say it yours?
- I didn't see you. - I saw you see me.
Sir? sir... excuse me
Who saw you first?
Look, maybe you're not from around here but there is a code, you know
there are certain rules we try to follow ...
Fine! Forget it, I get out!
But not because your right
but because I am in a terrific mood and you're ruining it.
No, I'll get out.
- Now what? - I don't know, you tell me?
- Hey, hey, hey! - Where's it going?
Come back!
Well, that was stupid!
Why did you get out?!
You stupid head!
You said you were in a good mood and I was ruining it.
I felt bad.
I'm sorry, did you tell me a stupid head?
How is your great mood now?
Please stop talking to me.
So why you such a good mood anyways?
Not that its your business but good things are happening to me.
That's great, I hope it continues.
Thanks
Well, have a nice life
and try not to steal any more cabs.
Yeah, you do the same.
Hey, there's a penny right there. Why don't you pick it up, its good luck.
Only if it's heads.
Now somebody else can have good luck.
- Bye. - Bye.
Thank you for coming to Hudson Mutts.
- Hi Nutzy - Oh my God.
You're glowing.
- Oh my God, she's glowing, right? - Uh, huh.
- Tell us everything. - There's not much to tell.
No, no, no... you just got shot up with a wad of red headed, freckle sperm. There's something to tell.
Wait, he had red hair and freckles, why'd you do that?
- I tried to talk her out of it. - Red pubes... ew!
I never saw his pubes, it was a vial of semen.
So come on, what happened?
I laid down, put my feet up over my head
and five minutes later it was over.
I barely felt a thing.
Basically it was like having sex with Clyde.
You wish.
If you need me I'll be back with legs over my head.
- Red hair and freckles! - You had your chance!
What?
I do not know, its just weird, you know
who was this guys she was with anyways?
- She wasn't actually with him. - Yeah, but I still want to kick his ass.
- Is that wrong? - You're stupid.
Ok, alright.
Welcome to Single Mothers and Proud.
As the name suggests we are all single... mothers
and, uh, proud.
Some of us have adopted
some of us have conceived with a donor,
every stories is different, but with the same common denominator
wanted a child
and we made it happen on our own.
We sure did, we sure did.
Are you already a single mother or you trying to become one?
I was just inseminated a few days ago.
Inseminated,
makes me feel like a cow or something.
Well, we do what we have to do
when we don't have a penis partner.
So, lets hear about you.
Oh, ok. Let's see ...
I own a pet store.
Yeah, I use to work in the corporate world.
Which was great for a while
but just didn't feel like the life I wanted to live.
So, now I am happy on the work front
but, you know, I don't know
even though I have more balance,
personal... I still haven't found the one.
Well, the elusive one. Good luck.
If I had a dollar for every time I hear that.
I thought I'd be married with kids by now
but thats just not happening
so, I guess its time for my backup plan.
Well, Zoe listen, if you really want a baby
we here at Single Mothers and Proud... ah ha...
We can be your partners.
From inception to graduation, everything in between
We can be here for you.
Great.
Dakota was born here, in this very room.
Right where you are sitting actually.
Really?
Right here? Imagine that.
So how old is your baby, now?
I'm three.
So cute.
Why do you need a support group?
- You're not very supportive. - What?
You just told me that if I breast feed, my girls are gonna end up looking like empty tube socks.
Hey, I'm just being honest.
Don't even get me started on what child birth does to your bladder.
What does it do to your bladder?
Oh, I just peed a little bit.
I don't think I'm pregnant anyways.
The doctor said it would take a few tries. Something about frozen sperm being lazy.
Oh, come with me for a minute
I have to make some muffins for some bullshit teacher's appreciation day.
You're gonna make muffins?
Oh hell no.
There is a place here that sells them,
I pick out the worse ones and I pretend that I made them.
Come on.
Okay. Which is the ugliest?
It seems too much trouble over something so trivial.
Welcome to motherhood.
There's that guy?
What guy?
The one selling cheese I know him.
He's hot.
He sells cheese?
You sell hamsters.
Can I help you ladies?
No, we're good, thank you.
Like what you see?
What?
Just talking about the muffins.
- Hey you. - Hey.
Hi Wha.. what a nice surprise!
How did you know I worked here?
I didn't.
Oh, ok.
Did you follow me here?
Follow you?
To the farmers market, are you kidding me?
We... we came to buy muffins.
You where here, tell him.
Well, you better buy something, because you ate all my samples.
It's really nice to see you, I never got your name.
- I'm Stan. - Oh, Zoe.
I'm Mona. So how do you two not know each other?
- He stole my cab. - She stole my cab.
Oh, ok.
We should go.
We should?
Yeah, we have that important thing.
Well, can your important thing wait for a few minutes?
I'll give you a taste of my cheese.
I can rephrase that.
Ok, this is our basic chevre.
Probably our best seller,
or the cheese that started it all as they say.
These are our surface rippen cheeses, these are fantastic.
And these are the aged raw milk cheeses. Now...
This is really boring, isn't it?
- Uh, Yes. - Um, No.
This is Louie, he works for me.
- Hi - Hi, Zoe
Can I get you a sample box?
Um, I'm ok.
You're not lactose intolerant are you? I hate that.
Hey, you're still coming over tonight right?
I... um, yeah, yeah.
We should go.
- Ready? - I want a sample box.
Ok, well I gotta go. Bye.
Uh, bye.
Bye.
- You said free sample box, right? - Yes.
Ok, spill it.
Who is he , what does he do, how do we know him?
Who?
Stan, from the farmers market.
He's called twice already.
I'm going to kill Mona.
Is he a farmer?
He makes cheese.
He's a pilgrim?
Oh, Mona called too, she says his feta was incredible. That makes so much more sense now.
Who is this guy?
He's nobody,
he's just some guy.
Are you blushing? She's blushing right?
- You're totally blushing. - She's blushing.
Can we just calm down and get ready for the book signing?
No, this is exciting. I'm not calming down.
Look, he's nobody,
and even if he was somebody, it doesn't matter
cuz, I don't wanna be with anybody.
Okay? So lets just get back to work.
- Finding a relationship is work... - I do not want a relationship.
Well, it is.
So dogs have a ingrain pack mentality.
If we don't assert leadership over our dogs
our dogs are going to show unstable behavior or dominate behavior.
In other words,
in the dog world, who you are is stable or unstable energy.
A leader or a follower.
So, when a dog introduces himself to another dog,
What do they do?
Exactly.
When a human wants meet a dog ...
Oh my God! He's so ...
So, I mean, its like poor dog ..
And so they're interacting based on energy and also the nose ...
Ok, now this is getting weird.
I know we keep running into each other, it's crazy.
Oh, so your being here, is just another coincidence?
Oh no, I love this guy.
- Don't you have some place to be tonight? - Not 'til later.
- Do you even have a dog? - No.
But I might get one now that I can be the pack leader.
I'm really busy here.
Ok so, you have a boyfriend or something. Just tell me, I can take it.
Or you're just no, you're not interested in me?
You're making a big mistake, I am very interesting.
I'm just not interested in men right now.
Oh, you... you're gay?
I'm not gay!
Hey you two, would you please take it outside?
- Sorry. - Ok, sorry, sorry about that.
This is not a good time for me, ok.
I'm going through some changes.
Menopause?
Seriously?
How old do think I am?
Ok, you know, lets start over, because the more I think about it,
we'd never make it as a couple anyway.
You're way too skeptical, We should be friends.
I have enough friends.
You can never have too many friends.
What are you doing tonight?
Getting take out and going home to bed.
Clearly you don't have that many friends.
Ok, here's my proposition
and don't freak out because it require very little commitment.
I'm getting take out too,
let's walk together towards the same place,
order and pay for our own respective meals
and we'll say goodbye.
Where do you want to go?
Thank you.
No fair, you chose this place because it takes two seconds.
No, I chose it because it's the best.
Alright, well I want to see you take a bite of that. I don't believe you'll eat it.
Fine.
There, happy now?
You have no idea how good this is.
I can not believe you lived New York your whole life
and you've never gone to Gray's Papaya.
What's wrong with you?
Actually I haven't lived here all my life.
We moved out of the city when my parents bought the farm.
No, not die, they actually...
they bought a farm and we moved upstate.
They retired to Phoenix five years ago,
and I run the place now.
What about your family?
Actually my parents died when I was young.
It's just me and my grandmother now.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
It's ok, it was long time ago.
I really have to go.
Alright, but I can not let you walk home alone because...
this is very dangerous neighborhood.
What school did you go to?
Well, I kinda dropped out. I met this swedish girl during my semester abroad...
Let me guess,
you fell in love and got married.
- And started an inn in Vermont. - Of course.
It lasted like three seconds,
I didn't know how to run an inn
and she didn't know how not to sleep the everyone that worked there, so...
- Ouch - we got divorced, yeah...
She took everything.
I had to move back in with my parents.
Work myself out of debt,
and tried to figure out how not to blame every women on the planet for honest horish ways.
How's that going?
Not so good.
Ok, I want to know everything.
First kiss?
Some jerk with a dirt bike and chapped lips.
You?
7th grade, she wore braces and head gear
- It was terrifying. - Ouch
Hey, look.
- Here's one for you. - That's weird.
Ok, best kiss?
Um, that's a tough one.
Cuz, if we weren't just friends.
I'd kiss you right now,
and I'd be your best kiss.
How do you know?
I know.
Someone looking for you?
Yeah, I have to go.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
I'll call you.
You think it was the muffin girl?
I guess... I don't know.
Why do I even care?
You like him! Ow!
What if I'm pregnant?
Then it'll work out perfectly.
- What do you mean? - Because,
if you really like him, as soon as that happens you'll break up with him
because you're pregnant
and you wouldn't have to put yourself out there, possibly get hurt.
Hey, that's your dream.
Ah, besides ...
I'm not pregnant.
And I'm ok on my own.
You're gonna see him again?
Yeah, I think so.
It's not gonna happen Nutzy.
Hello.
Oh, Stan.
Go away.
Stop it.
You're making me nervous.
You're early.
I'll be a minute, okay?
Uh, 3 to 5 minutes actually.
You want a beer?
Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. You want one?
- I'll let you know. - Okay.
Oh my God. Is he ok?
He's fine. Happens all the time.
I'm sorry.
Can you give me a minute?
- Yeah, yeah. - Ok, good.
Damn it Nutz.
Give me that.
Give it to me.
Let go. Now!
Zoe, everything okay?
Yeah!
You know, just showing him who's the pack leader.
You idiot!
You better not swallow that thing. Give it to me.
Nutzy, open. Open.
- You look really pretty tonight. - Thank you.
You always look really pretty
but tonight you look, uh, especially pretty.
And that dress is, uh, ...
is really something.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Did you buy a new dress for our date tonight?
- Don't flatter yourself. - I'll take that as a yes.
I guess you'll never know.
I guess not.
- Except you left the price tag on. - What?
Allow me.
I got it.
You know, I had this dress for a long time,
it's just I haven't worn it yet.
It's why the tag still on.
You're not that special.
Really?
Look at this place.
I don't know what to say.
Finally.
What's that suppose to mean?!
It just means good. Don't say anything.
You don't have to say anything.
You know, just come over here, sit down.
You think I talk too much?
- I did not say that. - So what'd you say?
It's just you're very quick, you always have an reponse for things. Which I like,
but tonight, just you know, just be surprised.
Surprise.
You're good.
- So you work for an internet company? - Uh huh.
- I don't see that at all. - Oh, I was a very important person. You would have been very impressed.
- Really? - Uh huh.
How did you get the pet store?
Actually it was due to my dog, Nutz. I bought him at this fancy dog store near my house.
Cutest puppy you've ever seen.
6 months later he almost dies.
Turns out he was from one of those puppy mills, where the dogs are so in bred, he was falling apart.
What did you do? Did you sue them?
I thought about it, but then I thought what good would that do,
they'll still sell in bred dogs,
So I quit my job, and I took the
stock option money over to the pet store,
and I bought it.
I know how to milk a goat Does that do anything for you?
No, not really.
Can I ask you a serious question Zoe?
What?
Did you buy that dress to wear for me tonight?
I will never tell.
Really? Because, uh ...
I have ways of making you talk.
Let me get that, let me get that. Oh!
Hose... hose over there behind the fence.
You see it? Got the hose?
Ok, this is war.
You weren't even pointing at the fire, you were pointing at my face.
I wasn't even trying to soak you, I swear.
Whatever, I looked into your eyes and saw you had this crazy look, like a crazy person
Not true.
It is true and... you know what else, I think I owe you another dress.
And I definitely own you another date.
Well, I'd like that.
Why don't you come to the farm with me next weekend?
I'll call you.
I'll wait by the phone.
What?
Holly shit!
I know.
Are you sure?
If I'm not then my dog is.
You're not making any sense.
So you're definitely pregnant?
Congratulations How we feeling?
- We're freaking out! - What she said.
Why? We preformed an intrauterine insemination
using sperm that you purchased.
This isn't exactly what we call an accident.
It's just happening so fast.
Keep breathing.
Pump those arms. What did you all eat last night?
- Hey Arthur. - Well, hello my dear.
Oh no, no, don't get up. It's ok.
I can't get up.
- Came to see my lovely fiancée? - Yes.
Oh, she's looking fine today, let me tell you, just fine.
- Hi sweetheart. - Hey.
- I need to talk to you. - Sure.
Alone.
Shurely! Don't worry about them, they can't hear anything anyways.
I am pregnant.
- What? - I'm pregnant.
- How what? - I'm pregnant.
I can not hear you darling.
Oh Jesus, Judy, she's pregnant! Turn up your hearing aid.
I'm confused...
you said that this was what you wanted.
But this guy, he's special.
Now the whole thing is going to fall apart.
What makes him so special?
I do not know, he's very... real,
and funny.
And different.
I like him Nana.
What should I do?
Zoe, you always get ahead of yourself. You barely know him.
Spend some time with him,
see what he's really like.
He could be a total douche bag
and then the whole thing is moot.
- Maybe he is a douche bag. - Oh come on.
You really think he would ask you away for the weekend if he had a girlfriend?
There's no way he's dating that muffin bitch, Zoe.
Trust me.
Who can say?
Maybe he's looking to get laid?
Well, don't have sex with him, ok? You can't
- because that would really complicate things. - I know.
Oh, its gonna be hard though
with three times the blood coursing through your body.
Excuse me?
Oh, yeah.
That's why pregnant women are so horney all the time.
Is that what it is?
I thought it was me.
No, when I was pregnant
my body was so sensitive
I could have an orgasm sitting on a bus.
I think I'm going to get sick.
- Me too. - What?
It's a happy story.
Alright, I'm just going to go up there
and tell him that I'm pregnant
- just lower my cards on the table. - Ok, good.
Just don't lay on the table.
Ok, because you can not have sex.
Don't look at me like that.
I know, this is a big mess we're in.
I'm gonna fix it.
Shit, here it is.
Watch out for that tree.
Yeah, thanks.
- Hi. - Hi.
The tree should not have been there, that's all I'm going to say.
Whatever Mrs. Magoo.
- Oh, ok. - Come on now, I am glad you're here.
Me too.
Stan, there's something I need to tell you.
I am pregnant.
Yes, pregnant.
I'm going to have a baby.
I'm with child.
Shit.
Stan... Stan... Stan... I've been insemenated.
Yes, inseminated.
I'm gonna have a baby!
Uh, would you like a plate?
Um, a napkin? trough?
These are for you.
- That's sweet, thank you. - You're welcome. You're good.
It's just that stew is so delicious.
I knew you liked it.
So, what's the next step for a cheese farmer?
Very funny.
I wanna start a sustainable Gourmet Shop, okay.
Cheese, wine, bread,
prepared foods.
But everything local,
nothing from farther than 30 miles.
All based on the farmers markets.
- That's a good idea. - Thank you very much.
I'm good at ideas, I'm just not good with follow through.
I wasn't good at marriage,
I wasn't good at running a bed and breakfast,
thank God we didn't have kids.
You don't want kids?
I don't think so.
Well, I don't know.
For years I've never thought about the future,
just kind of lived in the moment.
But maybe I'm different now.
I really want to take the next step,
I want to move on with my life.
- About the future ... - Uh huh.
- Let's talk about that. - Ok.
Because the future is now.
- Right? - Right.
There's something I need to tell you.
Hold that thought.
Come here.
- I want to show you something. - What is it?
- It's cheese. - I can see that.
No, no, no, it's new.
I had this idea to use these two different types of goat's milk
to come up with something really unique.
It's sweet and sassy and complex.
I was inspired.
So what are you saying? I'm your cheese muse?
Yeah.
You're kind of hard to read right now.
Well, I really want to kiss you,
but it smells like cheese in here.
We have to ...
take it slow, Okay?
- We can't have sex. - Fine.
Ok... Ok... Ok... Ok...
Did you just ...
Holly shit!
Is my nose bleeding? You punched me.
- Sorry. - It's ok.
It was amazing.
It was like over the top amazing. What was that, like a 3 or 4 for you?
Stan... Stan... There's something I have to tell you.
Ok, what is it?
Why are you crying?
I'm pregnant.
I'm pretty sure it doesn't happen that fast.
I know it... it's hard to explain.
What are you talking about?
I'm pregnant.
Who's the father?
I don't know
I mean, I know who it is, I just don't know his name exactly.
It's a donor of a sperm bank.
Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?
When did all this happened?
Actually, it was the day we met.
Yeah, I didn't think to tell you because
I didn't think there was any way
that I could be pregnant so fast.
But why?
Because I wanted a baby.
And I never met the right guy
and I thought that if I waited any longer, I might miss my chance.
Alright, we just make love
and you're telling me that your pregnant with some stranger's child.
Don't say it like that.
You make it sound dirty.
I wanted a baby
and I thought I had to do it alone.
It was before I met you.
I don't know what to say.
What am I supposed to say? Congratulations,
this is terrific news?
I made this big decision, this... this thing
and then I met you.
I'm sorry.
About what? Getting pregnant or lying to me about it?
- I didn't lie. - You didn't tell the truth.
Where are you going?
I thought this would be easier.
To just disappear at the crack of dawn? Don't I get a say?
You said everything there was to say last night.
No, I didn't.
Oh, you left out the part that you had a girlfriend, that was pretty convenient.
I don't have a girlfriend.
That girl from the farmers market?
She's not my girlfriend.
She was, but was a few years ago.
Olivia is in my class, we study together.
Study what?
I'm a student. I'm still in school, I go at night.
Why didn't you want to tell me?
Because it's embarrassing.
You're this incredibly accomplished person,
and I didn't even finish college?
I mean, I have this great life but...
barely passing economics, you know.
Where are you going?
Look, lets not drag this out, ok?
I lied to you, you lied to me.
We both have other plans,
and being together is just messing everything up.
We should just go our separate ways.
Goodbye.
So how did you two meet?
- We can, uh, talk later in your office. - Ok.
Well, everything seems right on track.
A little blood, quite normal.
Stan, you have to stay here if you don't want.
I'm fine, I'm good.
Now, I'm going to do an ultrasound.
This is how we view the fetus.
Oh, I see, you rub it on her stomach. For a minute I thought you're gonna put that huge thing...
In her vagina?
It is too early to go through the abdomen, you see.
We have to go through the vagina.
Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Vagina.
Maybe if I say enough you'll feel a little more comfortable.
- Vagina. - It's not working.
Ok now Zoe,
with a little bit of luck, we'll see a heartbeat.
That's it? That little thing?
Is everything okay?
Oh, everything is ...
- What, what? - I see another heartbeat.
It has two hearts?
No, but you have two babies.
Are you gonna leaving now?
Because this is more than you bargained for.
It's more than I bargained for.
But, just tell me, ok, so... I can be prepared.
I just... need to sit here. You know?
- Okay. - Okay.
But then are you gonna leave?
Ok, one kid is a lot,
two kids is a posse.
I'm just getting use to us as a couple.
And now all of a sudden you're having a posse?
Are you ready for a posse?
I don't even know if I like kids.
Hey! Beat it pal!
I don't want to cause a scene, but get your hands out of your pockets
and get the hell out of here. No, I'm talking to you
because you're the only pervert with his hands in his pockets
at a playground.
- I'm not a pervert! - Hey, if you don't have kids, get lost!
I have kids, Ok?
A week ago I didn't even know she was pregnant
and now she's having twins!
I just saw the ultrasound.
The one that goes inside.
I know what you need.
How did this happen?
- Take that off - This it?
- Yup - Oh man, I'm dizzy.
I'm sweating and dizzy.
- That's normal, bro. - Is it?
- Which one's yours? - I've got three.
- Three? - Yeah.
There is Charlie right there, and that's Roxy.
You see the little fella over there? That's Matt
- He's eating sand - Yeah
By the time you get to the third one, you don't worry so much about that stuff.
What's it like, the whole kid thing?
It's great!
Except for the lack of sleep,
free time ... sex with my wife,
butt naked Friday's in the family room ...
That's not the answer I was looking for.
its fine.
The best way I can describe it is ...
... It's awful, awful, awful, awful
and then something incredible happens
And then awful, awful, awful, awful, awful
And something incredible happens again
It's like this all day, every day
I feel like I'm drowning
like I'm gasping to get my old life back
and then a small moment happens ...
... thats so magical
So life affirming that it makes it all worthwhile.
This will be best thing you ever do.
Dada.
Hey, son
I guess this would be that moment right?
Yup, this would be it.
- Hey, what do you have there, son? - Poo poo
Well, almost.
- Son, is that cat shit? - No
- That's your shit? - No
This ain't even his shit.
Charlie, Roxy, meet me at the bathroom!
What I tell you about playing with other people shit?
So, why are you upset?
It's so lucky. To get pregnant on the first try with frozen sperm
is rare but to get pregnant with twins ...?
Come on, that's unheard of.
Ok, when you want to speak you can.
Does anyone else have anything in the mean time that they like to share?
- Tabitha? - Yeah, I'm having a hard time
Luka keeps asking me why his friends have two parents
and he only has one. I guess I knew this would happen someday
- But I just wasn't prepared ... - Ok, there's this guy, his name is Stan
- and he's fantastic - Wasn't I just speaking?
You know, whenever you meet somebody,
the kind of guy who makes you rethink everything like...
maybe I can be a stay at home mom
Maybe I can. I love being barefoot and pregnant
Maybe he can teach me how to make cheese
and we can live off the land
Zoe, this group is called Single Mothers and Proud
I know. I know. I know
I'm sorry.
I wasn't planning to meet anybody.
It just... it just happened
And now I've thrown all my plans out the window
and really... fallen for this guy.
I'm just afraid he might not stay.
What should I do?
I don't know
This is wildly outside my field of expertise
Yeah, because we are a...
single mothers group.
So don't tend to give advice on how to get your boyfriend to commit
Not usually.
Maybe you should join a different group.
Ok, we are going to have to take a vote on this Zoe, because ...
I think we all collectively feel you are in a very
wildly different place than where we are
- So we are going to take a vote. - Ok
Hi
How did you find me?
I called the store. I said it was an emergency
What is it?
You're crazy
- I don't expect you to stay - I don't expect you to expect me to stay
What if I want to stay?
Well then I would be surprised
and happy.
- I can't promise anything. - Neither can I.
Ok fine, give me the hot dog
Perry and Hudson. Feel free to run every red light.
You got it.
- Here we go. - Here we go.
This sucks! Nothing fits me!
Please let me wear sweats.
Honey, you can't wear sweats. This is important.
- I'll get that. - Wait, let me suck it in.
Do you have a jacket or something?
- Gotcha, I gotcha. You alright? - Yes.
I can't.
Watch it!
- I'm gonna throw up. - What?
Hey, how are you?
Stan, you are a prince. Thanks for coming.
Sea urchins?
- Hi - Hi
I ripped my dress and I didn't want to go... how about that?
- What is that thing? - Oh, Mona gave it to me
It is supposed to help me sleep
- Hold on. - Ok.
It has been two weeks now
and all she ever wants to do is to sleep with that pillow
The pillow is a bitch. It's totally replacing you, right?
Totally, completely. She drags it everywhere
My wife, she drew eyes on hers.
So when I went to make a move in the middle of the night
the pillow is staring at me
like... uh uh bro! I don't think so.
We used to have sex all time, every day!
Now I can't touch her. I can bearly go near her.
Dude! she's pregnant. You can't win,
the one who wins is the pillow.
- Screw that pillow, man! - You might have to.
I did once.
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna get through this. Everything is gonna be fine.
In a years time this is just gonna be a funny memory, right?
Thats right. Before you know it the kids will be in school
and you long for the days when a pillow was your biggest problem
It must be hard when they first go off to school
Little school shoes, little backpacks
No, saying goodbye to the kid is easy
Saying goodbye to 20 grand, now that's hard
What are you talking about? 20 grand? What's 20 grand?
And you will have twins.
Double wammy. That's a whole lot of parmesan.
Oh my God!
Alright, this one says, most natural nipple
That looks nothing like my nipples, nana
This one says, BPA free.
- What is BPA? - Don't know
So how do you know you don't want it?
It's Bisphenol A and you don't want it.
If you're going to use a bottle, which we do not advocate because the breast is best
- Better - Use a glass bottle
- How are you, honey? - Good.
We miss you at the meetings
Yes
I never heard back after the vote so I assumed that I was out
No, it was unanimous. Didn't anyone called you? No?
This is my nana and this is Arthur, her fiance
- Hello - Hello
- Nice to meet you. - How do you do?
So ... when are you get married?
She's kept me waiting for 22 years
so I'm not holding my breath
So, Zoe, can I put you on the phone tree?
Kind of want the whole group there when it happens.
- Thanks, that means a lot - Ok, Well, happy shopping
and check out strollers on aisle six because they're awesome.
- Do not you call her? - I don't know
- Stan? Cookie! - Zoe?
- What is that? - It's a twin X deluxe
The Rolls-Royce of strollers
- Isn't it awesome? - It's big.
It's supposed to fit through most doorways
I don't thing so. OK, let me help. Turn it sideways...
Keep trying... there
Just hang on, It's gotta have a thing here
Hang on, hang on.
- Aw, Shit! - Are you okay?
It bit me
What the hell is going on here?
You're suppose to get an outfit to bring the babies home in from the hospital
Yeah, but how many babies are you having?
Well, I just got two of everything
Look... baby village people
How much money did you spend today? Where are we gonna put all this shit anyway?
Do not worry it, everything will be ok
Yeah, I don't see how thats possible. You haven't even had the babies
and everything has changed
You know what? There's the door, Stan. If you want to go, you can go
Stop! I hate it when you do that
I know, I'm sorry.
Let me see.
Sorry.
Have you gotten through page 279 yet?
No, I stopped reading when you tore one of my pages and used it as a napkin
Well, it says here that women in the third trimester
experience hormonal mood swings
and their partner just have to be extra understanding about it
You coming on to me right now? It's kind of hard to tell.
- What? - You have chicken in your hair
- Just right there? - I do?
Did I get it?
You know what, honey?
Just... I'm sorry, but not tonight, ok?
- Sorry - It's okay
Hey babe, you want some breakfast?
No, thank you. It's still night time
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm good, I'm good.
Do you know how much preschool is? 20 grand.
For circle time.
What about college? Actually, I think colleges run about 50 grand right now,
but thats right now. So figure in 18 years it'll be doubled that at least
and... well we have twins so double it again.
So what's that? like 200 grand a year?
We haven't even bought books, or clothes or shit you know?
Probably gonna need cars when they' re at school
You know I'm gonna be a push over and buying whatever they want
So what's that? Half a million a year?
I don't have half a million a year. I'm in night school
It's just something I was thinking about. It's no big deal
Why don't you come back to bed, honey?
- Did I wake you up? - No
We're gonna be ok. I have money saved
It's not just about the money
You know, I'll figure out a way to make enough money
What is it then?
It's just ... I need to know
Are you still in there?
I'm still here
Excuse me, can I... help you?
What do you think?
It's a bit overwhelming huh?
There're so many and are so... big
Well, they have to be big. Two babies right?
Yeah, but... babies are small
These are for giant mutant babies.
Well you should see some of babies that come in here,
total fat asses.
By the way, my boyfriend and I do customer work
We can solve this
- What are you doing? - Nothing
- How was your exam? - Shitty
Come on, come on, what were you doing?
Nothing
I gained three more pounds this week
And I think it went all to my ass
You look great. You always look great.
I missed you today.
I miss my old ass.
You know whats weird? I never knew your ass.
It was kinda like this ass but way hotter.
Baby, this is my old ass.
What?
Why do you have a picture of your ass?
My college boyfriend took it.
I mean, so, in all fairness it doesn't look exactly like that
but it's pretty close, it's held up
Yeah, it's a nice ass.
This is me in 7th grade
This is me and nana at my confirmation
This is the last picture I have of my mom
I mean, she lived a few years more after this but...
We didn't take any pictures because she didn't want us to remember her that way
I was 8 years old when she died
I can't imagine
She had this great laugh
and really soft hands.
She use to rub my back before I went to sleep
Such a small thing but I think about it all the time
Why don't you ever talk about your dad?
She was in a coma for two years after this
- He didn't stick around - Oh, God, Zoe
- I'm so sorry - It's no big deal
It was an important lesson for me.
That's when I realized that nothing lasts forever.
So now you know everything.
Some things can last forever
Maybe
So about my exam...
I didn't exactly...
That's weird.
I'm confused
- Why'd you say you'd come in the first place? - Seemed like a good idea at the time
Is that Zoe?
It's so nice of you to come!
Hi!
Yeah, we just wanted to come and stop by, say a quick hi and good luck
Oh, no, you're staying. You have to stay. Lori wants us all here for this
I, I, I really want to stay...
She's having a contraction
- So... what were you saying? - This is Stan
- Hi - Of course
- Hi, um... Congratulations - Ooh, Thank you
Hey, you two should get in here...
- Oh no... no, no, no, this is your special moment... - Oh, no, oh God, I'm not shy
Come on, I've been through this before. I'm not shy, Zoe
It is really quite beautiful
How long do we have to stay here?
Let's just wait til it starts and then we'll sneak out
Come on everyone, it's happening
Come on, she's about to get into the water
The what ...?
I'm gonna be out here, Ok?
Just relax... good.
I know, isn't it amazing how the human body can just open up like that?
I think I'm going to go get a little air. I'm feeling a little ...
Don't you move, Zoe. You're my focal point
- What? - Oh God
Push, push!
Shit!
You can't leave, you're her focal point
Can't you use somebody else?
She's in labor, you can't argue with her now
Someone grab her legs
- Ok, lift them up... - Push, that's it push...
- Jesus! What is that?! - Perfectly natural
Sometimes the bowels just release
Ridley...you could...?
No Zoe, don't you move! You are my focal point
But what does that even mean?
I need to turn over, I need to turn over, please,
I need to turn over... I need to turn over.
Here comes the head!
Give me a mirror! I want to see it!
- No! You don't, you don't! - No! God damn it, Zoe! Don't move!
- I thought you wanted a mirror? - Stan, the mirror!
- What? - The mirror!
- What mirror? - Get the mirror!
For the love of God, Stan, get the mirror...
- Get the mirror! - Bring it! Hurry up!
Hi, I'm Stan. Hi, I'm sorry.
Give me the mirror, nobody cares! ... No... No...
Look at all the hair!
It's not the baby's hair!
- One last... push! - Push, push baby, push!
- Push! - Aaaah!
- Beautiful! - Look at that!
Everyone says that it's so beautiful
I thought it was terrifying
I don't ever want to see that again
But you want to see ours right?
I don't know, baby... It was just... I shouldn't have seen that.
Hey, I was just coming by to see if you were okay
I was worried about you after the exam
- What happened with your exam? - Trying to tell you last night but...
- What happened? - I walked out on the exam
- Why? - I'm quitting school
I can't believe you're pregnant
- Why are you quitting school? - Because if I stay in school,
I can only work part-time
and if I can work part-time, I can't afford all expenses
- I need to work, baby - I had no idea it was this serious
You're having a baby? I didn't know you've been together that long.
Well, yeah, they're not mine but... yes, we're having a baby
we're having twins actually
What do you mean they're not mine?
Oh, I didn't mean it like that
- Why would you say that? - I'm sorry, honey
I'm not exactly thinking straight
I've been up all night watching Orka give birth
- I'm such an idiot - No, Zoe
I'm so stupid. This is... this is not about the money
Or that you can't afford kids
You do not want this. That's the problem
He always told me he didn't want kids
Why are you still here?
- That's it isn't it? - Really?
After everything we've been through you think I don't want kids?
- You really think that? - That's what you just said
It's not what I just said, it's what you just heard.
There is a big difference!
I don't think you're ready for this
Now that it's all happening, now that you seen a woman push a baby out
Now... it's all too real for you
- And you're scared - Damn right, I'm scared
- Yeah. Aren't you scared? - You know what I'm scared of?
I'm scared that I'm going to have these babies and then you're gonna walk away
You're gonna say, "They're not mine", and just gonna walk away.
Every day your looking for some kind of hint that I'm leaving
no matter how many times I tell you that I'm not.
I don't know what else to do. What else am I supposed to do?
Nothing
So what are you saying?
- Just go now - Don't want to go!
- Go - This is crazy, Zoe
It's crazy!
If you don't go, I'll go.
You know what? Just so you know when you do the autopsy here
You better realize you have no one to blame but yourself
You had to come along didn't you?
I was fine with my plan
Totally fine with it
You've lost your mind!
- Just give me a boost - If you think you're getting into this dumpster...
I need that pillow Ok? I can't sleep
I will never sleep again without that pillow
Well, go to his house. Tell him you're sorry, then you'll be able to sleep
This has nothing to do with that stupid pillow!
I'm not going to his house, Ok?
- He walked away from me - No, you made him walk away
What do you know? You weren't even there
I've known you for 30 years
I know that you would never see this through
I know that you don't trust people
You and your grandmother, crazy pants. She's been engaged to Arthur for how long?
She's never going to marry him. Just like you would never stay with Stan
- Ok, Mona! - No wonder you got a sperm donor
He's the perfect boyfriend. He'll never let you down
You know, I used a sperm donor because I wanted a baby
Because I wanted a family
Because Nana is not gonna live forever
And then I'll just be me
Go home, ok? I don't need you here
I need my pillow
I'm sorry... that was too far.
Yeah, that was too far.
But you know I'm right.
Stop talking. My pillow doesn't talk
it just lies there and shuts up.
Don't beg, Nutz
My God, you're stubborn
Knock, knock. Who's ready to celebrate?
Oh, Mona, I'm so glad you're here
cuz now I can tell both of you together.
- I'm getting married - What?!
Next weekend. We finally decided to do it
My God!
It finally hit me. This man loves me and I love him
What the hell am I waiting for?
I have you to thank it, Zoe.
Just seeing you and Stan together, how happy you are
You know, the way you just thrown caution into the wind and decided to go for it
I want some of that too
- What? - Stan and I broke up
- He said that babies weren't his - He didn't mean to say it
- Tell her the whole story - He said it
And if he said it, he thinks it, and if he thinks it, he feels it,
And if he feels it what choice do I have?
Zoe, you know that's not true. Your just looking for another way to back out
- Thank you - I'm not gonna do this
This man has choosen to be with you and raise your kids as his own
You're just going to throw it all away for some stupid word choice?
- Look at you - Look at you
- I'm worried about you - No, don't... don't worry
I'm great. I'm great. I'm just emotional
Come on, let me just finish your makeup
Honey, you don't always have to be so strong
You know, I know you learned it me but it's no good
- What does it get you? - It means that I take care of myself
- Just like you always did - No, Arthur takes care of me
He's been taking care of me for 22 years
I just don't want to admit it
Zoe, stop pushing people away
- I don't want to talk this, ok? - Listen to me, Zoe
You'll never have a healthy relationship Stan or any other man
if you don't. You have to learn to trust people
- What is that? - It's your custom stroller
The Twin X Torpedo
- I didn't order this - Your husband did... or your boyfriend.
- I don't know exactly what is your relationship is? - Stan?
- When did he do that? - About a month ago
You don't like? Shit! We worked really hard on this one
He wasn't going to leave, was he?
I'm not really sure what is happening here
We gotta go get him
What? I'm getting married in 20 minutes
Weddings never start on time
We can't be late, he's 93 years old
Stop it.
Pick up!
I'm going to hurl that thing into the fucking holy water
Ah, is this new? The Zoe?
Yeah, yes, it's the first week its been out
Can I have a sample? What's it like?
It's stubborn, overly suspicious and distrustful of men
- This song is taking forever - This song is never gonna be over
What time is it people? That's right, its conga time
Everybody, get out there and check those titanium hips
Conga time!
...we need to talk like two seconds. I've been thinking...
- We really need to go, come on - We have to go
Don't seem real...
- Please, get me out of here - Can't find any exit signs
- behind the tub of flowers - I mean, who knew the congo was this much fun
~ She drives me crazy and I can't help myself ~
I have rhythm all of a sudden
- Oh shit! - Why is the floor wet?
Damn it, not again
- No, not me - Not me
I think my water just broke!
What? ... Oh!
Baby time!
Just stop it, stop it
What can we do for you, darling?
- This dress is tight - I can do it
If you just wanna let me... grab the strap ...
- Fingernails! - Can we make a pit stop?
- You can't park in here! - Ok, move it, out of the way. Lady with a baby
- Are you going to leave it there? - Zoe, what's going on?
- Your muffin suck ass! - I must be going out of my mind
What are you doing here?
I'm trying to call you and doing the conga, my dress is falling
and when they say labor is painful, they're not kidding.
- It really hurts - You're in labor?
But the stroller came in, it's so beautiful
God, that hurts!
- Why didn't you pick up your phone? - Wait what?
I called you a hundred times. I wanted you at the wedding
- What wedding? - It was so beautiful
and then it wasn't... it was people slipping everywhere
Oh God, I hope nobody got hurt
Ok, you're not making any sense
But that's just it, everything make sense
All of a sudden everything is just so... crystal clear.
And the thing that's the clearest is that I am so madly, deeply
and completely in love with you. I can't imagine spending another minute apart.
Zoe, after all this time you come in here and expect ...
I gotta go to the hospital. I gotta go to the hospital.
Move it, move it. Get the lead out.
- Zoe, wait up! - Lets go, lets go, lets go
Listen to me, how do I know when things gets tough you won't just run away again?
You know? I cantt handle it, you broke my heart...
you completely destroyed me.
You destroyed me too. It's not like this has been easy for me
Son of a ...!
Just, uh, breathe through it. It's gonna be ok.
Don't you tell me it's gonna be ok!
You don't know it's gonna be ok. I'm so scared!
- It is gonna be ok! - Let's try to refrain from yelling at the patients?
I'm not yelling! I'm just try to get her to see my point!
Sounds like yelling to me.
What's it gonna take for you to believe that I'm here forever?
You had to see a stupid stroller?
What about the fact I've been to every doctors appointment with you?
I picked out names with you
I saved this from the very first day we met
It's the one that was tails up and you flipped it to heads
I've kept it this whole time
And it's brought me the most incredible luck
I can't believe you kept that
What about the fact that like it or not I'll be here holding your hand through this?
What about the fact that I'm gonna be here when these babies are born?
Because I love their mommy
And what I want more than anything else in this world
is to be their daddy
But you have to promise me
that from now on you'll believe me when I say I'm in
And I'm not going anywhere
Can you do that?
Can you?
Yes
- Okay - Alright, now push. Time to push.
Breathe, breathe
Remember my three rules:
No touch, no talk, and no eye contact
while the dog's nose is busy analyzing our energy
and all the different scents on our body
This sniffing can last from 3 seconds to 1 minute
It's important not to interrupt the dog while she's intent on accomplishing this ritual
You know, one day... I'm going to tell you girls a story of your mommy and me.
She should write a book about that one.
Talk about a best-seller
Come here
That's nice
Come here
It was a battle but they finally fell asleep
Penny had a poop...
Don't talk about Penny's poop when I'm about to kiss you.
It's perfect. You know what the best part is?
We can stop in for lunch every single day.
- Alright, their here! - Speech... speech!
- Hey! - Okay, thank you, um, wow!
Thank you all for coming
This had been a dream me for a long time
I need to thank one person for giving me the courage to do it
- To Zoe - To Zoe!
From the moment you stole my cab
From the day you dissed me at the farmers market
I have been totally and completely under your spell
I love you
And you've made me the happiest man alive
It was my cab
Zo, come over here for a minute
- Gimme that - What?
Since we do everything backwards and in hyper speed
I was wondered if we could do what naturally follows
having twins girls together
Holly shit!
Will you marry me?
- Yes - Yeah!
- I can't believe it - I know
- Did we really just get engaged? - Yes we did
Soon you will be my wife
Stan?